We all must have seen or even experienced such cases where a realtion, whether family or friends, is quite toxic but we just can’t leave it. It feels as if this is the source of life for us. We love and like those who actually hurt us. But who would choose to suffer and love it? Why we love those who hurt us? Seems insane, right? Well, it is not that deep to understand if you look at it from a different angle
How it happens?
There are simple patterns that we overlook but can be understood if we see it with a better view
intermittent reward:
There is a push amd pull pattern. Feels complicated but I’ll break it down in a simple way. So, when we were kids, we thought of games as the best thing in the world. Many of us wanted to gst phones or Playstations, or anything where we could play games. Or in early days, wanting to have time to spend with our friends. Well, now we have grown up. Do we not have phones? Games? We do have these. Then why is it that we lost interest to a great extent. I mean it is still fun but not as much as the good old days.
Now, remember the first time you git your own phone. You were excited and you used it for so long and had so much fun. But little by little, your excitement was gone and you were losing interest. This happens when something is always available and then you lose interest. When you are not curious about something, you are not as much interested in it. This is one way of the push and pull method. People who hurt you but you still love them, they ghost you and then push you away. This creates distance, curiosity and before this curiosity is replaced with resentment, they pull you back
In simple terms, they give you affection and love as if it’s a wage. When you get it so rarely, you are never used to it and you never have enough. Although, this doesn’t mean that you can’t love someone by always being available, that love is the real one. But this affection, it can be controlled by the push and pull method. It is quite dangerous and needs to be understood before you can tackle it.
Attachment:
The affection that I just explained is more lethal combined with attachments. We can get attached to anything overtime, be it a bottle of water that talks or a rock on your desk(terrible examples, ik).
What happens when you get attached to someone and they create distance? You will feel anxious. The more they avoid you, the more anxious you will be and also, the more ready you’ll be to fall in the trap blindfolded.
Familiar pain feels safe:
Yeah, the heading is correct. The pain of unknown is fatal and familiar pain combined with the memories of pleasure is safe. The pain given by your closest person is still painful but you feel safe around them, which creates a safe pain. There is no such thing as good safe pain, this is just a thing invented by your brain which makes you susceptible to their methods of manipulation.
Easy way to say it is that you find love in hate, and hurting methods because you love the person who is hurting you and the cycle continues.
How it shows up in real life
(why people love those who hurt them?)
Waiting for crumbs and calling it love:
As I said earlier, given in short doses, the love feels a lot more. If you get it once a day, you’ll be anxious for that part of the day to come to life. That also takes away all bad signs that this is toxic and you accept the crumbs, calling it love.
Mistaking intensity for intimacy:
You think that intense situations and intense love(what you like to call it) is real intimacy. When it shows up less, the small amount feels intense and you cheer it, hold it dear and without a second thought, consider this to be real intimacy
Peace feels boring:
You heard me. Peace is not boring but when there is no curiosity, no intimacy and only peace, you’ll be bored. Using toxic methods spice things up and of course, hurt people, but they are not boring.
There was an experiment where people were siting in a room with nothing but a trigger and complete loneliness. Out of 10, 9 people pressed the trigger knowing fully well that it wil give them a current shock. Why did this happen? They hurt themselves on their own? The reason is because man is a social animal. When you don’t get social connections and all stimulations are gone as well, you’ll be bored beyond reason to consider hurting yourself a better option.
How to break this cycle?
Breaking it is not that easy but it is simple if you follow a proper pattern
Name the pattern:
Naming what just happened makes it easier to understand and solving a problem requires understanding first. Name it whether it is attention seeking, controlling, love deprivation or pure hate.
Set boundaries:
No matter how much you want attention or love, you have to set clear boundaries to protect your own self first and that goes a long way but it is totally worth it
Reduce contact:
Don’t be too available if the relationship is toxic. Lowering contact and focusing on yourself will make it easy for you to see your own self instead of what they have shown you as.
Loving someone who hurts you is heavy, but loving someone while knowing you’re the one hurting them is even heavier. It means carrying guilt alongside love, wanting to protect the very heart you keep bruising. Sometimes the pain isn’t from lack of love, but from fear, confusion, or not knowing how to love better yet. If I hurt them, it was never because they mattered less it was because I’m still learning how to hold something precious without trembling. Loving them means I must grow,
Every time I see the sadness in their eyes, it feels like I put it there with my own hands, even though all I ever wanted was to keep them safe.
Your efforts truly matter and if you try hard enough, you’ll stop hurting them.