You always put others before you. You do people pleasing even when you don’t want to do it, and are just unable to say no even when you try. But inside, you want to stop doing this. You want to do things because you wanna do them, not because of others. You don’t please others out of kindness, but out of a fear.
I’ll explain the reasons behind it and the ways to actually get over it.
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is sacrificing your own needs because of others. It would have been fine if it was out of kindness. But this fear of not being validated by others which forces you to please them, is damaging to your inner self. You do it because you don’t wanna be disliked. This becomes a habit and makes a mental pattern in your head, which becomes automatic.
It can be like;
Saying yes when you want to say No. Apologizing even when others are wrong. Avoiding conflict at any cost. Changing personality to fit others.
Why people become people pleasers?
Fear
The fear to get rejected from others is one of the main causes to why people end up like this. Rejection is a strong feeling, and many fail to overcome it. So, this is one of the paths they take instead.
Childhood conditioning
Our childhood shapes our personality to a great extent. If you had critical parents and had to watch out for everything, then you eventually become a people pleaser. When you were only loved by your parents after fulfilling a condition, then you start to think that this is the only way of love. When you learn that approval becomes safety and disapproval becomes a danger, then you try to stay safe.
Low self-worth
When your own image of yourself is not solid, you start to think what others say matters more. You develop a habit of external validation.
Trauma and emotional neglect
People who had bad traumas in the past(especially in the childhood), and had their emotions completely neglected, also try to stay on the safe side. They become hyper aware of others’ feelings and try to care more than what is needed.
Desire to be good
You start to confuse that self sacrifice means kindness and kindness is good. Kindness certainly is good and we should all be kind, but self sacrificing is not necessarily a good thing. Being kind to your own self is the first step of truly being a kind person. Remember, anybody can be nice, but not everybody is actually kind.
Cost of people pleasing
Emotional exhaustion
When you always give your all to others and receive nothing in return, you become emotionally exhausted.
Resentment
Since what you do is not what you want to do, a silent anger and resentment builds inside you. This can even lead to having anger issues.
Loss of identity
You are what you think you are and your actions are a proof of that. If both don’t align with each other, then an inner conflict arises. The stronger side wins in this conflict. Since you always act to please others, you end up losing your own identity.
Attracting toxic people
Takers will always come to givers. Being overly nice will attract toxic people. The effects of such people on your life are quite damaging.
Constant anxiety
Constantly living in a fear of disappointing others can give you anxiety. Too much anxiety dirupts your brain functions and negatively affects your daily life.
How to stop people pleasing
Step 1: become aware
Observe what you do when you are with others. See for yourself, how many times you say yes to them. Observe your expressions and the way you act.
Step 2: Saying “No”
Practice saying “No” without a guilt. Say it without the need to explain it. This doesn’t mean that you should say No anytime. It just means to say No when you don’t want to do something.
Step 3: Feeling of guilt
Feeling guilt for displeasing others is not uncommon. But you should know that guilt doesn’t mean that you are doing something wrong. Disappointing others also doesn’t mean that you are doing something wrong. You need to see for yourself, if what you do is wrong or not. Separate guilt from wrongdoing.
Step 4: Set emotional boundaries
You need to have proper emotional space and boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. Those who cross them, should know that they have made a mistake. Make it visible that your boundaries shouldn’t be crossed. This will give you a sense of control and comfort.
Step 5: Tolerate discomfort
You will feel bad, uncomfortable and might even be criticized. A lot of discomfort comes with growth. The only way forward is to tolerate it.
Step 6: Self worth
Stop relying on external validation. Have a self wroth. Have an importance of what you think, what you like to wear, what you like to say, what you find funny, what taste suits you, what makes you happy, and what is good. When your own thoughts start to matter more, you stop needing external validation.
Read more about self worth
People pleasing is not innate, but it is learned. In the same way, you can get over it. Start small and gradually move up.