How to stop caring what others think-the psychology of self freedom

The way we dress, behave, think and see is based on what others think or might think. This is so common that most people don’t even realize that their choices and decisions were influenced by the crowd. We live under the invisible net of judgment. But what if we could let go of it completely?

This is how psychology explains approval seeking behavior and the methods to train your mind, so that it can be truly free.

Why We Care About What Others Think

Most of our ways of thinking is innate and have been that way since the old times. When humans lived as groups, the goal was to survive. They needed approval of other humans in the group to survive because it was necessary to think as a group. But that was then and this is now. Now, we do not live to survive based on other people’s approval, but the mindset has been the same. Social media plays a big role in it. It influences what others think, like, comment and make popular (like the trends on tiktok). There is also a concept of “mirror neurons”. This makes us more susceptible to what others think. We basically mirror others if we think that they are slightly better and this goes a long way.

The Reward Loop of Approval

• Validation releases dopamine which is a hormone of reward, pleasure seeking and happiness. We consider an approval, as a reward
• Lack of approval triggers rejection which causes stress
• This keeps people stuck in people-pleasing behaviors and they don’t even realize it

According to psychology today, people pleasing can affect you negatively

Signs You Care Too Much About Others’ Opinions

• You replay conversations in your head. Thinking of what could have been done and how you could change what others could have said. Replaying it over and over again.
• You often say “yes”, even if you want to say “No”. You don’t have enough courage to decline something and refuse to do something.
• You hesitate to ask for something and then think of how to ask it. This happens many times in your head until it is time to ask. Then you look for excuses to not ask even if you need it. And most of the times, you end up not asking at all.
• You avoid doing certain things of your interest only because you have this fear of being judged.
• Your confidence comes from their validation.

Like many people wish to go to a place where there won’t be anyone to judge. That is because we are afraid of others’ thinkings about us.

The Cost of Seeking Approval

Whatever you do, comes at a cost. Some are worth it while others are not. When you seek approval, it also comes at a cost which you pay even if you don’t want to pay it. This cost is anxiety, self-doubt and burnout. You are always anxious of your decisions. What if people don’t like them. What if they are not happy. What if they criticize me. You doubt your own decisions and choices because of it, even though others don’t know you as well as you know yourself. Nobody could choose better for you than your own self. When you are seeking approvals too much, there comes a time when you feel mentally tired and burned out. Over time, you start to lose your own identity and become what others have approved.

Every single time when you silence your own truth and ask others, you lose a small piece of yourself. This is not much on its own but if it is accumulated then it is as big as your own mind.

How to Stop Caring what Others Think

1.Build Self-Awareness

Knowledge stays at the top of power. You can not solve a problem if you don’t understand it. Now that you know how you seek approval, you can have a way to break this loop too. Ask yourself, if I was alone with no one else watching, would I do the same? What would be the difference? Keep a keen eye on your behaviors.

I have explained Focus and Action in detail, you can read if you struggle with it.

2. Set Emotional Boundaries

You need to make boundaries that are not be crossed. Learn how to say No and without a guilt. At first, it will be hard, later on it will be less harder but you will feel guilty. But as you keep doing it, you will be fine to refuse without a guilt. You will understand that rejecting someone does not define their worth. You need to respect yourself first.

3. Self Validation

Just like you need external validation, you can replace it with internal or self validation. Instead of thinking, “would they like it?”, Think, “Do I like it?”. You can train yourself this way and can even use the phrase “Only my validation matters”

4.Disconnect from Constant Comparison

Comparison kills the confidence. You have compared yourself enough, now take a break. Take a break from social media, which is the ultimate comparing zone. Compare your own past self with your current self. Focus on progress, and even track it. When you see that you have made significant improvements, you will gain confidence. But when you see others and then think of yourself, if they are slightly better, then you will lose confidence. That means your focus on your own progress should be stronger than on other’s progress.

True Freedom

True freedom begins when self approval matters more than public approval. You need to be confident in your own self. Just like we train our body and muscles, we can also train our brain. This will tske time but if you keep making efforts, then you will be able to attain True Freedom. The confidence doesn’t have to be loud, a quiet confidence can sometimes be more useful. The goal here is not to make yourself immune to emotions and what others care, but it is to make you able to select what among these is important.

You can’t control what others think, but you can control how much power you give them and how much it really bothers you.